hulloburro

StarvationLiberation

Sat, 11 Oct 2008 03:32:44 GMT

I am
a black dot in the middle of possibility
and instead of reaching out
& grabbing that glimmering Life
i turn in&in&inOnMyself
beacuse that's all there is LeftToDo
when I don't know the language and I have No Home
not in the United States, Not Anywhere
No Friends, No Commmunity, No Roots
Thank You Capitalism
Thank you for imbuing so many people with a sense of Aspiration
That goes on and on without sympathy or condolences until
HALT
The Realization that We Are Rootless
And there ain’t NO ONE to catch you as you FALL
(not even your children, because they’ve moved to California and have high powered bureaucratic jobs and imply your bitching comes from the menopause you must be dealing with)
A realization that in the U.S. they call “MID LIFE CRISIS”
Thank you Capitalism though
For allowing us to catch the vague hints of this as we age through childhood and into adolescence
Growing in our Pessimism
Ah, you weren’t quick enough Capitalism
And I managed to catch on a little early
I am 21 and Rootless
But at least I have JUST A LITTLE Hope
A little hope that perhaps one day I won't have to FALL FOREVER without a catchnet
That one day I will have Roots that grow on through the soft ground

and... Reality Flash

we went on thursday to San Andres Sakamch'en de Los Pobres
a town where there is a autonomous zapa government and a PRI government, which must work together
this is the town where in '97 the people rose up and rushed the government out of town
(and miraculously, no one was killed)
so we all rode through the rockety corn hills to San Andres
i was squished next to one of the prometores and about to VOMITAR, solo un poco mareada
to talk with the autonomous government
8 men in a room, 5 of them nodding off as we sat on the hard wooden benches
while the president of the council told us all about San Andres,
and how the autonomous municipalities worked
and then he Laid Bare the Workings and told us how this government had been in position only 15 days,
because the previous government had, without consulting the people, spent 400,000 pesos on a White Elephant, and been removed from power
and that put the present government in a predicament, because their one major expectation was to plan the november fiesta,
to which everyone from all over would come, the fiesta that unified the community, and that had gone on for generations upon generations, and was impossible without funds
and then the president whipped out the sympathy, but I don't doubt it was true,
and said how they were starving, cuz a Zapatista community is long past charitous government handouts

And we suddenly understood what Autonomy is all about
The Struggle Was DeRomanticized
because in autonomy, the struggle is within you and without you,
there ain't no escaping it
It's Liberation and Slow Starvation
and they go Hand
in
Hand

movement: grow!

Sat, 11 Oct 2008 03:08:07 GMT

I had a dream we were a MOVEMENT
and we were trying to grow More Flowerz More Vegetablez
but the government must have had these special Pepper Detecterz because they would shine their probe lights over our land and
the smallest little plot hidden in the 2 hour sunlight behind a door would be FOUND
and with that they would do raids and confiscate our most modest graden tools
and so we had No Scissors Nor Bic Pens to Hoe and Rake with, and don't even think about shapely pieces of cardboard,
and as a result of all this we were starving and forced to bake bread with highlighters melted on top for nutrition and flavoring because our jalapeno seeds and ourlime wedges had been confiscated months before as possible Movement Hazards
(that is, hazards to the oppression of the movement and supplements to our enjoyment of life)
And as I was taking the HighlighterLoaf out of the oven and cringing at the thought "We Have No Beanz!"
i realized
what we needed was PEOPLE
we just a bunch of starving organizers,
everytime we planted something new everytime we showed our insurmountable hope everytime we sought to proudly live, we were cut down.
What we needed was to go underground for 10 years like the Zapatistas did, build up our resistance,
and then
RISE.

love & re.vo.lu.tion
...plus frijol

2 de Octubre

Sat, 04 Oct 2008 03:03:25 GMT

This 2nd of October makes the 40th anniversary of the massacre of more than 300 unarmed students in the Plaza of Tlatloco (otherwise known as the Plaza of Three Cultures) in Mexico City. Months of student organizing in the summer of 1968 for increased student rights was met with strong government opposition in the face of the upcoming Mexico City Olympics. The afternoon of the 2nd, the government responded to the peaceful protesting of 50 thousand students by surrounding the Plaza of Three Cultures with armed forces and massacreing more than 300 students in cold blood (1000 were also disappeared). Every year the mothers of these massacred and disappeared youth gather in the Plaza to demand justice, yet no one has ever been held responsible for these deaths.

Puts things in perspective, don't it?

the perfect Avocado

Sat, 06 Sep 2008 01:36:04 GMT

MONKEY BARS

adriel has gone off to get a refill of tonic
and suddenly i feel the need to Disappear
so i walk down Harvey Street and into the park that just last night was deemed 'sketchy'
but is now filled with hordes of children that run circles around eachother shouting in spanish
the little girls running up and down the playgym and the older boys playing soccer on the sandy asphalt
i sit down on a swing even though ive always found swingsets nauseating
and one of the older boys, jose, calls out to me
"como te llamas?" y "cuantos años tienes?"
veinte, i say, and i don't bother asking him the same
and 13 year old Omar comes over and tries to climb the slanted slippery metal poles that hold up the swingset

very oddly then, from out of the bushes to the back of the park, march in a whole troupe of girls & boys dressed up in scout garb
jose says something like
que los blancos
esta lloviendo
which i thought meant something like
"gah, it's raining white people!"
and then he leaps up onto the swingset poles and is climbing along the top like a gymnast on the bars
and whistling to the scout kids como some sort of don juan
while below Omar and all the little girls are shouting
"he's a monkey! he's a monkey!"

and i tell them all "adios!" because i've touched another world,
and now i'm ready to slip back into the one i left

---
i walk just down the street
and stay long enuff to analyze what sort of people are hanging at dom's place
they aren't hipsters, like at MeatTown
or hippies, or revolutionaries, or Neo-Absurdist Contrarian fellows
eventually i realize they are music types
and the mellow vibes they put off are the sort you recieve in any encounter with the music scene

---

AVOCADO

it started with san francisco, when mary ann had her avocado obsession
and the amazing cheese-avocado-mustard sandwhiches that tasted better than anything
after wandering over the cold mysterious hills all day
and the thought suddenly hitting you
Shit! i'm on the other side of a continent
and the summer continued with more random cravings for avocado
obtaining them, and in my impatience splitting them too early
so that the beautiful flesh tasted like... nothing
("patience, little grasshopper, patience")
but tonight when i got home i split the Last Avocado
and after all this time,
all this summer experience
all the Growing That Has Been Had
the Last Avocado was just right

WHAT I CRAVE MOST NOW:
a midnight skinny dip in the lake
but someone to swim with

party

Mon, 01 Sep 2008 22:32:47 GMT

what is the most hilarious thing that happened to you today? - allie dreds

i'm at a party and some horndog sleezy frat kid starts hitting on me
sliding his arm along mine, making damn sure i see those biceps of his
("yeah, i get it, you're ripped" i laugh)
he's trying to get me none too obtusely to go back to his place
alone, in the early morning
first of all - do you think i'm that stupid? well, i guess some girls are or he wouldnt try
but i also laugh and humor it because
THIS IS HILARIOUS
I am a genderfucking revolutionary!
and this smooth fraternity cat don't even know who i am!

revelation

Sun, 31 Aug 2008 16:12:22 GMT

I baked chocolate vegan cookies with Jazzy
and then i went to a party
but the whole world was there, full of people that i didn't know
or who were Stuffed Full Of Arrogance

and when i came back to the house Nooly was still ROLLING on the couch
laughing himself full of shrooms (the giggles came out of him like bubbles)
and erik & his brobro were getting ready to smoke up
and wow erikbrobro was a very good convincer, and a very giving person

i took two hits and thankgod it didn't hurt much smoking that rolled leaf
my throat began to burn and i started tingling in odd places and clouds grew behind my eyelids
and for the next 2 hours i spent vast spaces of time encompassed in 15 minute periods
periodically i came out through the haze to flirt shamelessly with Nooly,

who was sitting across me cuddled against someone else and smiling his wideass grin

Nooly was saying “this is a goodbye to you peanutbutter”

And i was saying “it’s a goodbye for EVERYONE

it’s the end of the summer and everything is about to be finished”

And erik says “on that note, this IS the end, i don’t want any more of the drugs and crashers and trash everywhere”

when suddenly Miko the upstairs neighbor

was bursting in and saying shit and erik’sbrobro had hit him on the chest and suddenly erik was saying
"Miko let it go -you and i will have a talk tomorrow"

and across a great distance i could see that everything was very serious, though i wasn’t sure

the minutes continued to feel like hours and i kept saying to myself “i’m coming down from it now for certain
this is my first high, and for a high it's pretty sobering"

and now Miko was coming in the room again, and harassing me in little obnoxious ways that made me uncertain of how pissed off i should be, or how best to difuse the situation

it had become clear that it wasn’t really about ME at all
it was instead a revelation of all the tensions that exist beneath the surface
and go unseen

Fri, 29 Aug 2008 13:46:45 GMT

i gradually realize that i shouldn't feel so alone or pissed off,
because those people who always seemed so distant have just finally made the cut, and we're moving down separate paths.
there're two ways this can happen between friends.
either one of you decides to move on, or the other one does.
when you decide to move on, it's not nearly as painful, in fact it's a Relief.
but when you're left it's a Realization of cold cutting abandonment

Fiction (high school reunion)

Thu, 28 Aug 2008 01:19:53 GMT

“Behind every asshole is someone of the opposite sex who broke their heart” - Mathew L.

Eileen stood at the entrance of the park for a long time.

And when she was finished with that she walked along one side of Beuchlich Lane, hurrying her pace where the thick pine trees covered her view.

Inside of the park in between the pine trees, sycamores guarded the corners. The bigger trees pushed out against the park edges, outgrowing their barriers, the bark and the wood seeping in between the prongs of the black iron fence like the skin between toes.

She was standing half way up the street right on the crack between two sidewalk squares and finally she had a perfect view and could catalogue every face she saw. That made her relax some. It gave her the strength to walk those steps back.

The entrance of the park was one of those fancy deals, with curving wrought details. The black paint was flaking artistically off and the lock for nighttime hung at a slant from the left side door.

She walked in uncertainly, moving her feet slowly over the sandy pebbled path, her eyes focused on the grass until she reached level with the first sycamore, and only then did she trust herself to look up, be recognized, and join the group nearby.

It was a gathering of oh a load of friends from junior year and she stayed with them until their mannerisms and attitudes with each other brought across clearly what they had been like together five years ago. This took some time – it was obvious they were all getting used to the passing of the years as well.

‘like an old record player’ she thought

They needed warming up but soon they’d run like butter down a hot skillet

She waited until she saw that several of the group were talking animatedly
about plans and schemes for dinner parties and movie gatherings and the Near Future.
When she made her move to leave a few sweet acquaintances feigned alarm at her leaving.

Yes, she said, with a forced smile on her lips, I’ve got to Move On.

They gave her their eyes and a quick smile and she hesitated for a moment
before the turning of their faces back towards the group made it clear her farewell was complete.

She turned but instead of walking out through the park entrance
she ambled along the dusty path as it wound up little hillocks of grass.
Somewhere between the parking lot and the tennis courts, she saw the person she was looking for.

It was Marie Ostren, who had been a good friend sophomore year
and then drifted away to follow another path and they both knew the truth of that.
But it didn’t stop them from crying out each other’s names and embracing,
one of those strange embraces more a show than a reality.
Marie sat with a whole slew of people from their collective past,
and Eileen not only recognized them but remembered their uniqueness and eccentricity,
so that talking with them was not only pleasant but a rediscovery.

It wasn’t until the sun’s light was vanishing from the air that the group began to splinter.
With a genuine smile on her face Eileen declined invitations to coffee, exchanged numbers and gave hugs that had regained their meaning.

When she finally turned and walked away she could easily see that there was still one more crowd sitting in the furthest corner.
She was glad because it was the saddest part of day, but it was also the most beautiful.

She saw that Olivia and Julia and Mirabel were sitting together,
and that Mirabel’s hair was much shorter than it had ever been.

“Hello, how’ve you been?” Julia and Olivia asked, as she approached.

She replied her wellbeing and asked after their lives and the status of their pets.

Then when Julia and Olivia restarted their conversation, she walked around them and sat quietly on Mirabel’s left, and waited playing with the crabgrass.

“How are you?” said Mirabel finally.

“I’m good. And you?”

“Good.”

They sat in silence for a few seconds, listening to Julia & Olivia's conversation.

And Eileen waited – maybe both of them were waiting for something.
Until it became clear that Mirabel thought the situation thoroughly awkward.
She wouldn’t look Eileen's way, but drew her hair deeper over her face.

Finally she made some sort of motion and they all collectively sighed and
said It Was Time To Go and that they had been there since 12 and had made plans for the night.

Before walking with the others Mirabel turned and gave her a pitying look under the hair that covered half her face and all of a green eye.

This time, Eileen didn’t even try to smile.

She waited until they had disappeared into the dusk and then lay down on her back and watched
as the sky grew darker and the fireflies lit up around her.

morning after a long night

Wed, 27 Aug 2008 13:34:29 GMT

it's so different with the sun rise
everything's much more REAL in the day light
when suddenly the lines that were blurred only a few hours ago
are harsh and sharp in their clarity

but i decided sometime recently
that i no longer care about anything that grates me
and will only dwell on the moments that HIT me like a punch in the face
when i couldn't stop laughing
even though i was biking alone along route 27
three cars honking at me
or sitting at the train station
after going the wrong way
or lying on a couch talking to someone
that i love but barely know

and by then i just can't stop squeezing all my muscles in pure joy
because something's beautiful to my simple mind
and i don't know what exactly, or why

i love new jersey

Tue, 26 Aug 2008 01:43:50 GMT

so much.
i love biking along highways and on slanted back roads with a canal at your side and the river beyond that
and the trees putting everything in shadow
stopping at a stream where the riverbed is the softest you've ever felt of red clay and small rocks,
where swarms of tadpoles dart between your legs
one step to get off the path and be enveloped by nature,
but always knowing that there's a town nearby
and all those towns different and unique and full of thousands of working people who live their lives under the loom of new york city and philadelphia

i love metro stations melding into tomato farms
the sound of crickets and cicadas that echo in the dark

--

today i made my conscious decision to withdraw from an ivy league school
i have a long and winded thought process
but i also have a lot of guilt
and basically i suspect that my main motivation is a desire to avoid confronting and accepting the huge Privileges i have been born with
my father's best argument is that an ivy league education will prove an advantage not just to me, but also to a movement
and my biggest concern is
what kind of dult leaves an ivy league college!
and i think, cha! i just don't wanna buy into that. i feel oppressed by the immense COST of everything!
but i only think that because i don't HAVE to buy into it,

because i know that i will always have a safety net and my choices do not much matter
whereas so many struggle and are OVERBURDENED by LOANS that they will be paying unto eternity
and i don't have to worry about that!
but should everyone who has the money go to a wealthy college, simply because it is a fair representation of their privilege? i don't agree.

My privilege surrounds me. It comes from my skin, but also is represented in every part of my experience

So how do I own up to it?

There is something new&unique about being the only Woman in a group of several males for the past few weeks

I recognize that I am a minority for the first time

It has caused me to question sexuality, to question the offensiveness of words & actions in a way I never have before

While walking past the train station, we had an informal discussion about WORDS

Bitch, Cunt, Pussy, ‘those vaginas’

Does the use of these words represent the sexualizing of woman?

My revulsion to them is based more on the violence they embody, how they slice the air when voiced

As the only female I am looked to constantly,
my reactions are measured to sense the offensiveness of such phrases as:

“I raped that test” (*motions included*)

Now that is in poor taste

---

fennel

Sun, 24 Aug 2008 03:24:13 GMT

on the top of a hill in ChinaTown there was a beautiful church
(Ray was looking for a job)

it had a repressive incensed inside

but outside on the steps between the flies in the shade of EdenTrees their branches flying up like roots
dry in the air and the walls of the church plastered like adobe and so a mixture of Mediterranean and the West

In golden gate park we threw down a tarp on the grass and slept under a sleeping bag in the chilly wet wind and

When i awoke t.j.&ray were gone, it was freezing, and
a mysteriousman had just sketchily walked up to us, muttered under his breath, and turned around.

T.J.& ray reappeared, mcdonald’s in hand.

T.J. said “i’m to say the least a bit sketched out by the prospect of sleeping in this park”

“oh really? Why?” said the Dirt, who has minimal comprehension of AllThingsSketchy

“why? Because while you were sleeping I observed a drug deal occur not 20 feet away”

“Let’s go talk to that gathering of female musicians over there to ease your fears”

We packed up and walked 10 feet to join the least sketchy gathering in the park

The group was a combination of Christians and HippieWomyn travelers & homelessmen and they were all singing about Jesus

“Make sure you sleep in the light cuz then some yuppie will call the cops if they see you lying in a pool of blood” advised homeless Dexter.

T.J. laughed maniacally all the way back to the hostel.

We were now freaking out about a place to stay.

Dirt maintained that we were all overreacting.

As the dirt and i searched Craig’s List for possible places to stay

A veryhandsomeboy named Alfonso gave me a drunken grin and stumbled over,

Hey come out with me & my friends! he said

I’ve got to look for a place to live.

416! 416! He kept saying the name of his room number.

I wanted to go out with him

You just wanna get laid, said Dirt.

Yes this was true. When had this not been true.

About to retire, we walked up the stairs but on the stairs we began to talk to two sortoftipsy girls, holding tankards in hand

They were emily&tasha

I am a goddess!... said emily, and she guided us on inspirational wanderings through the redlight districts of sanfran

Until alfonso, the drunkenboy reappeared near midnight

And called us all up to 416 to share in his bud

And he must have been hopeful for more, with 3 girls in his room

Dirt concluded, This is crazy! People obviously come to hostels to do drugs and have sex!

Next Morning: Beautiful breakfast of peanut butter on bagel, fruit & tea.

We left the hostel for the FreeFreeFreeMarket in Dolores Park

We hoped this might involve the sort of people who’d be up for four-person couch crashing

The FreeFreeFreeMarket was not to be found in Dolores Park (until much later)

but there were 2 kids' birthday parties and on another hill a group of punk lookin types with bicycles and a stereo and lots of badass spray painted flags.

Wut’s this? We asked.

Reclaim the Streets, the punkass kids answered. No On 98. Woo Renters’ Rights.

They were all clearly anarchists. The spraypainted skulls made it unmistakable.

So we reclaimed the streets of the Mission with a horde of anarchists, dancers in pink&blue, the Brass Liberation Orchestra and a bicycle sound system.

At some key juncture, couches - from where? - were thrown into the street, the marching stopped, the dancing started, and the FoodNotBombs cart arrived.

I talked to Dav, of Berkeley.

Meanwhile, the Dirt got a tip from a resident at Station40 about a place to camp past the golf courses at Land’s End.

And another tip about a landfill called the Berkeley Bulb.

“I know where that is” said Dav.

He very pleasantly guided us all to Berkeley, all the while making it very clear he was looking for some luvin.

We wouldn’t have made it had we not received guidance from just about every passerby.

Kid at a Berkeley parking lot: “the Berkeley bulb? The landfill? You mean the Albany Bulb? Take the 52.”

52 bus driver: “You guys going camping? When I was younger I used to go cave exploring!”

Pedro, random kid on the bus: “Get off before the underpass”

The Albany Bulb appeared to be part of a state park.

There was an abandoned racetrack, an abandoned supermarket cart, a protected owl habitat, a leveled castle to smoke in, a eucalyptus grove which we could smell in the midnight, a beach, a path to more secluded grounds, and an Abundance of fennel.

“We’re going to go search for some good places for the tent” Dav & I told the group.

Alright, we’ll be here, TJ&Dirt&Ray replied. They were in the crumbling castle and were packing Ray’s new pipe.

We discovered a secluded spot amongst the fennel. In the meantime I realized that desperation was decidedly not sufficient of a reason to get with a guy whose clingy oversweetness repulsed me more and more the longer I spent with him.

We sat looking out from the rocks to Berkeley across the nighttime silvering water and I let him awkwardly lean on my shoulder.

“Alright. Let’s go” I finally said and got up to go find the others.

When we reappeared the Dirt admonished me “I can’t believe you let three high kids put up the tent alone while you hooked up with someone!”

We squeezed 5 to a tent the rocks cutting into our backs our bodies covered only partially by the scanty sleeping bags for the first of many uncomfortable nights spent in the Dirt’s tent under the night sky.

and so... the summer

Sat, 23 Aug 2008 08:19:33 GMT

I didn’t last long

Sometime that Tuesday, i received a sudden hurried email from Dirt

Liz & I are coming up for a night, it said

Sounds ridiculous, i replied. See you then

I went to whitby and had a cup of tea with emily

as we complained solemnly about our lives

And then it was 1 in the morning and phone was ringing

And they were all waiting for me in the parking lot behind risley

Dirt and liz and simon and simon’s lady, who was called cassie

All dumpstering tamarind candy in the garbage trailer behind risley

We began the search for cassie’s family house

And we began our search by driving for 2 hours the wrong way around Cayuga Lake

Passing the beautiful towns of Romulus and Utica and Ovid

And 5 more relicts of ancient greece transplanted to upstate new york

Their roadside welcome signs the only indication of their existence in the midnight darkness

It was 4 in the morning before we found at last the house with the dinosaurs in the yard,

woke up the housekeeper and her dog and stumbled up to the attic

whose smell of three legged cat and wooden floors and cool northeast summer reminded me of Fitchburg -

before laying out our towels & jackets & sleepingbags

So that our collective snoring could mingle somewhere above in the unfurnished rafters

By morning i knew i was done with ithaca

Done with the cooperatives and the gorges and the constant reminders of unaccomplished goals

i was easily quit, packed up & gone

and as a result, the drive south had a mythical quality to it

Animal Collective and Velvet Underground played in loops between backseat sleep cycles

But the mystical feeling also came from the long car ride
And the suddenness of abandoning one world to slip unexpectantly into an old one

Somewhere in the catskills we stopped at a lonely gas station

Its old fashioned signs for sandwhiches & meat looking past the long distance of the curving highway

And facing across the road to a cluster of abandoned railroad cars

Some were host to a restaurant, but others, hidden from view

were rusted and boarded up, the old seats and coal chutes visible only through the panels of glass
We swung along the sides of the cars, yanking at every door, hopeful that one lock might be missed

We had gone back in time somewhere on that road in the Catskills to early last century

when there was a thriving town at that point, instead of abandoned traincars & a gas&deli

There were men working on the hill below and i could not understand why they did not bother to yell at us roaming suspiciously among the rusted trains

In woodstock we dropped off Liz.

“what is there in Woodstock?” we asked.

“So much!” she replied excitedly “There’s the drum circle and the meadow and the Buddhist temple!”

Then she marched off confidently from the car, blanket in hands

In moorestown another four hours later we dropped simon&cassie off

Simon’s mother displayed the characteristics I saw in my own mother

And perhaps in all middleclass suburban mothers

When she directed cassie to the guestroom

As if the two lovers hadn’t just been at college in all its unsupervised splendor

Finally, 10 at night, I arrived on my own doorstep,

Unannounced to my parents who still thought me in another state

And that was how the summer began

lollo

Fri, 22 Aug 2008 23:54:30 GMT

I AM AN ARTIST.
a fucking artist.
yes, L-O-L-L-O
(noun. from the italian. pronounced "law-loh" )
Lollo, the artist.

swimming

Thu, 21 Aug 2008 19:31:20 GMT

When I went to sleep the sun was just falling

And when I woke up the lights were out and someone was coming to check on me

And then later, still dark, I hear the thump of stoners climbing out the window to the roof

Hours later I lie on the stained mattress and feel the absolute lack of sensation

For the last 12 hours I have been in my own little cocoon the world spinning around me

It is morning but I’m not ready to open the door again

After sleeping for so long, I’m only ready to swim in the break between sleep & stupor

For another 12 more

Later, sitting in the kitchen of 32

X spills to me his wisdom

He’s got his head filled with buckets of sand, little grains of knowledge, loads&loads of them

And when you sit in his kitchen you inadvertently press a little lever & the information starts to slip beautifully off the rim of one of those buckets

So all I have to do is sit and eat a bagel

And listen to all that sand spilling methodically out

Today X begins by saying

“the reason the Hub meeting took so long

Is because in the U.S. we don’t have a context for elections”

(huh? I say, mouth full of peanutbutter)

“in the u.s. there is a dual party system,

But in Europe, and where I come from, Belgium, there is a parliamentary system

That means anyone who wins votes automatically gets representatives

So the communist party can have a significant part of parliament

But in the U.S. when we want to make our voice heard

It’s a huge fight, and it’s WinOrLose"

Then he goes on to derail Nader

“what is Nader teaching us? He is teaching us how to lose

We know how to lose. We need Nader to run for mayor in d.c., where’s he’s from, and WIN

Right now we might as well look to Jessie Ventura to know how to win an election”

And now i have forgotten his other points,
perhaps because it wasn’t that inspirational
but all in the way it was carried
and the way it Came Across

Muffin Compendium

Wed, 20 Aug 2008 02:41:51 GMT

Sugarless Vegan Carrot Cake Muffins

2 c. flour (1 white, 1 wheat)
1 carrot - shavings
3 tsp. baking powder
1 apple - choppd into tiny little bits
raisins
chopped nuts
bit o salt
3/4 c. soymilk
1/4 c. canola oil

yo - add it all together and mix well!
375 until they look tasty*

Vegan Orange Cocoa Muffins

recipe as above
replace raisins, carrot, with...
3 tbs cocoa
grated peel of 1 orange
some undertermined amt of sugar...1 cup?

HOney Tea Bread

recipe as above
1/4 c. honey
some beautiful amt of concentrated black tea
1/3 c. oil
cinnamon and
lots of clove

*how to tell if something is prolly tasty:
1) GoodSmellz start emanating from the oven
2) you stick a knife in & it comes out relatively CleanOfCrumbs

Flamenco

Wed, 20 Aug 2008 00:11:01 GMT

flamenco

Andalusi Arabic 'fellah mengu',
"Escapee Peasant"

X - "makes sense to me. rebel outcasts dancing in the hills.

We're all Flamenco,
Agitators
then Liberators"

----

canvassing is ''interesting"
yesterday a young man opened the door
i think he was younger than my brother
he kept rubbing his eyes and fooling around with his belt
i assumed that he had just taken pills and masturbated
although i guess he could have just woken up
then while i was registering him to vote
he came up behind me and started humping

hoohoo! i didnt stick around for long after that

porn for the blind

Mon, 18 Aug 2008 20:16:48 GMT

last night i woke up to Loud Sucking Sounds.

i soon discovered i was in a very interesting predicament.

caught sleeping in an attic not 5 feet from 2 drunk people getting down.

my exits were blocked, if i wanted to avoid bare flesh and writhing limbs

it made me ponder porn for the blind.

how such a thing could conceivably be very entertaining.

and how impossible that i would have slept through the sounds of...
("sex sounds like... punching a bag of macaroni&cheese" - a very poetic authority)

sex is not and never will be a silent act.

my attic lovers cut out the moaning in respect of my facade of slumber
that was considerate.
but the macaroni&cheese punching kept me wideawake for the show.

ah life is hilarious.

sex&drugs&feministstudysessions

Mon, 18 Aug 2008 05:56:44 GMT

Thursday night, after prettyconfidently losing our case, Charlie had his birthday benefit party.

Before the party, Kyle hosted a Feminist Discussion Study Group. We had all read 3 documents, one was on Sisterhood, one was on Male Allies, and one was a MaleDominance CheckList.

Basically large portions of the discussion were between the other 2 women there. One was this random chick, blonde, beautiful very conventionally, but also a selfdeclared Feminist. I mentioned how I didn’t consider myself a feminist, but i didn’t understand how feminists could shave&wear makeup, actions that were so clearly representations of oppression.
B, the random feminist, said “yeah i recognize that some women don’t want to shave, and GenderFucking is all well& good, but i want to look presentable to people, and that’s my choice”. And others moved to mention that genderfucking is not the answer, because genderfucking is very individual and doesnt change the system. B and the other girl there bonded over complaining about men who catcall and follow them when they’re walking late at night –

and i was completely left out of this because i am not catcalled at or followed late at night. And isn’t it perverse that my need to feel sexy is so unsatisfied that i –oh insuch a perverse way- envy them that attention!?

Kyle believes the greatest obstacle to woman’s oppression is sexualization of woman, and all night i was trying to figure out how this related to ME, someone who doesn’t feel a particular connection to the female sex and most definitely doesn’t feel sexualized, and if i do i frickin enjoy it because i crave it.

Finally it hit me that i do see other women as enemies, because i feel threatened by their prospects, by their sexual success, and in this way i too am a victim of sexualization.

At the party this random fella says to me “so erin what do you think about suffering?”
he says he aspires to be a devout Christian and is trying to understand if God would have a need for humans to suffer.

And i say there is no reason for suffering, Haitians starving is not necessary, although i am sure many make moolah off of starvation, but it is all part of the evilsofcapitalism.

However, minor difficulties &obstacles in life can have usefulness in that they teach us lessons, but we only need these teaching obstacles because we have all been raised in a culture lacking emphasis on community, and we have to learn to get past the overly cutthroat nature of our daytoday interactions.
Maybe there’s more to it than that though.
There’s absolutely no need for unrequited love, yet it happens intensely and it has for millenia. Is that unnecessary suffering or a helpful obstacle?

Haha then this randomfella – oh i can’t remember his name –
started telling me about how he had in the past gone through bouts of crazydrugs&EmptySex but it didn’t feel good and wasn’t fulfilling and so he had practiced abstinence.

“don’t abstain that’s a load of b.s.” i said. But he wanted to feel an emotional as well as a physical connection.

I think he was maybe trying to play me bringing up this convo but i found it amusing enuff. I told him about polyamory & he acted at least like it was all incomprehensible to him.

“I just am sickened, disgusted by the idea of someone splitting up their time for 2 people. And sure when i have a girlfriend i am attracted to other women, but i don’t act on it, because i want to love someone fully, and to only love that being”

Friday night i saw K. downtown. K. has a boyfriend now and though he has been polyamorous in the past has decided to take on a monogamous longdistance relationship. I am pretty impressed by that.

He told me “I think you want a monogamous relationship.”

Sunday August 17th

Mon, 18 Aug 2008 04:53:29 GMT

We left before 10.

As we pulled out the driveway, papa lollo waving weakly from the plastered door steps of a house that has reeked of cigarette smoke since the 60s,

mami sighed and moaned the same routine as always

“oh i feel sad. It’s so sad leaving him alone”

Papi said “he told me that he called someone he used to have lunch with...

but he had died.

Yeah, that was kinda a depressing point to make,

but it shows he’s trying”

They dropped me off in New Brunswick. I spent an awkward 30 minutes watching X and his children eating eggs&sausage Sunday brunch.

The canvass was amusing. I knocked on the door of an Artist. “Come in” he said. He was painting his living room, his exgirlfriend had just moved out, and he was watching people paint walls on TV. We discussed the olympic table tennis match. He said if I nudemodeled for him he’d pay me goodmoney. "You're cute" he said, a phrase i've only heard uttered from the age30&up skeezeball demographic. The Artist was no exception. Then he gave me a bunch of posters he had designed – ugly shit on them, looking something like a nascar race. i said “ooo we can put them up in the Office!” “sure” he said, and personally signed them with messages like “To Erin, From Jose, You are One Groovy Chick. Let's hang out sometime”. I will treasure them forever... or throw them out tomorrow.

After canvassing was a 4 hour meeting. That’s democracy for you. That’s empowerment.